


Let me suffocate and let my last thought be me thinking I ever mattered to you.

by MyChemicalEnd



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Drabble, Emotions, Pete Wentz's Suicide Attempt (Best Buy Incident), Subconscious, a very weird take on it, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-02
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-07 04:25:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1885062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyChemicalEnd/pseuds/MyChemicalEnd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tags are pretty explanatory.</p><p>Pete has a thing for over thinking. That's pretty much how he got into this mess in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let me suffocate and let my last thought be me thinking I ever mattered to you.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a big chunk of this some of this one night, entirely related to what I felt myself, and then somehow adapted it to be whatever-this-actually-is. I apologise for it in advance.  
> This is also, as usual, completely unbeta'd and also posted with proof-reading. If you find any huge mistakes or want anything added to it, please tell me in the comments.  
> xoMCE
> 
>  
> 
> Title from here - http://petewentz.livejournal.com/30176.html  
> [Everything in italics is Pete's conscious(?) and the stuff in bold is from one of his livejournal entries (http://petewentz.livejournal.com/30176.html)]

_It’s when you lie alone in the dark. You can feel the sting of your tears on your cheeks; in the corner of your eyes. You feel numb, but hyper-aware of everything all at once and you don’t know how to feel. Your brain slows down, but every thought is whizzing around and you can’t focus on a single one before the next appears._

_You can feel your chest clench and tighten and it feels like you might die, you get scared and the tears start again because this isn’t how you imagined it. This isn’t how you pictured the end to look like. You can’t feel a single beat of your heart, but you can still feel it, physically heavy inside you._

_You feel completely hollow; totally empty and you wonder how you got to be like this, be this shell of a person. Inside this hollow case, you can still feel every part of you churning, existing, but it just doesn’t feel entirely real. Almost like a dream and your thoughts are rushing around again and they won’t stop._

_Every limb feels paralyzed and you feel as if you could be dead. Then you hear that pulse of blood in your ears, the steady thumping of your heart and saltwater drips down your face in time with every beat. You feel so uncomfortable in your own skin, but you can’t stop it. You have no control over it anymore._

_Your emotions switch every other second, tears showing anger, then deep grief for what you’ve lost; for everything that could have been – the lost future._

_The will to carry on as you can’t help but listen to the voice in the back of your mind telling you this is what life is, that failures like this will be a normal occurrence from now on. You vow never to let yourself be put in a position to feel like this again, whilst you simultaneously wonder if just being alive poses that risk anyway._

I'm not sure if I want to carry on with all of this. Every last inch of my being pulling me apart, whilst simultaneously holding me together. I don't want to die, but I don't want to really exist anymore.

No, I want to die because that's the only way to stop my thoughts. I'm not sure if this is how I feel, as something in the back on my mind screams that it's not what I should do. Maybe it's a lack of sleep? Insomnia finally driving me insane; finally driving me over the edge.

I know I'm not thinking straight. I sit in my car, some radio station flicking from static and back.

Pills aren't doing shit for this anymore. Pills won't do anything for me now, not to help the rising panic that seems to swirl in my stomach. I know this is bad; nothing involving a whole bottle of Ativan could ever end well.

Is it worth a shot?

If anyone were here with me, they'd tell me it wasn't worth it. Go to the doctors, get new pills.

Doctors will try anything to get your money. I'm already half-doomed. I was from the very start.

My heart seems to be racing in my throat, making it hard to swallow the meds.

_This is the only thing you'll feel. Panic overwhelms you until you're stupid enough to try and stop it. Then everything stops. The panic, the breathing. You cease to exist, dragging the lives of everyone who ever cared about whatever your life, with you._

My mind fixes onto the only thing I have left; the worry of how the band is going to take it.

I'm not sure if I planned this, and the panic over takes me again. I'm pretty sure I've overdosed, pretty sure I didn't mean for it to end like this. Maybe I'll live without getting my stomach pumped.

Did I plan in advance? I'm not really sure anymore. I guess I'm like a unexploded grenade, ready to go off at any moment, but no-one knows when.

I didn't leave a note, so I don't think I did want this, but I've never been good with 'goodbye' anyway.

I think they'd understand if I did die. Even if I wouldn't.

Andy is good with rationalising things. He'd help everyone else through it. And my parents have my brother and sister.

 

No, wait. I'm not dying. I'm just a little out of it. This isn't a suicide attempt.

_You know exactly what this is. You don't want to admit it to yourself because you know you've failed. You've failed and hurt everyone else in the process. It's like drowning, except for you're dragging everyone with you. You'll only let go once you're out of sight and out of mind;_ **_life's a bowl of cherries with nothing but pits._ **

All I ever wanted was to make a difference to the world, but I guess life doesn't always go the way you want. I can feel a thick fog clouding my mind and slowly blocking out every thought and every doubt I have.

If this is what dying feels like, I hope it doesn't last long. It's dizzying, as if you're standing on top of a building, staring down at the sidewalk before. It's hard to imagine that I'm only sat in a car, with 'Hallelujah' playing in the background. Dramatic. Too dramatic; almost an attention seeking suicide. I'd rather be forgotten for this than remembered for it.

It’s awful. I feel sick, but I know that would be a stroke of luck. The pills suddenly feel heavy in my stomach, as if grounding my head which is starting to feel as if someone filled it full of helium balloons; floating away without any effort required.

There’s no point in warning anyone now, no point asking for help. I’m going. I’m not sure if this last thought calms me or throws me into more of a panic. It shouldn’t be possible to panic after overdosing on anxiety medication, but it apparently is.

My tongue feels as if it’s tied in knots and my eyesight is beginning to blur around the edges.

I wonder if anyone will notice. I’ve been out a long time, but I’m sure they won’t think anything of it. I haven’t been acting too weirdly lately, they’ll leave me alone.

My mind seems to turn off, I feel waves similar to those of sleep that are in turn so unfamiliar these days, wash over me and calming whatever thoughts I had. It feels as if my head is suffocating, but I don’t think I have any way to fight it. Either way, I don’t care.

 

This is it. This is where it ends. Aged 26, Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz (the third), found lying dead of an overdose in his car in a Best Buy parking lot. What a way to end a life. At least the media will have a good day…

_Did you ever matter to your friends?_

Did I? I hope I did…

_Did Patrick drop his own suicide pact because you and the others gave him something to live for? Did he ever think that? Will Joe and Andy make him see that?_

_Did you ever matter enough to anyone, that they found a new path in life and opened a new door? Does it matter now, that you made a difference? Every choice has an impact and here’s yours._

_You won’t be here to see the impact, but the aftermath is in plain sight even now._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going along with whole 'Pete doesn't die' thing that happened in real-life, but feel free to interpret it anyway you want. I might do a sequel and anyone else is welcome to do the same as long as this is put down as the inspiration (if you go from this fanwork, that is)  
> xoMCE


End file.
